What is AGORAPHOBIA? According to the web, it
is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations
where the sufferer perceives the environment as being difficult to escape or
get help. To me, agoraphobia is much more than that. Agoraphobia is a monster
that haunts you in every aspect of your life; it follows your every footstep
and is ready to pop out at any moment.
To the average person, the outside world holds many
dangers such as armed robberies, rape, and general evil. To those of us
suffering from any form of anxiety, not only do we have to worry about all of
those things just as everyone else does, but we also worry about things that
don’t even cross most people’s minds.
“Will I be able to go to that birthday dinner I was
invited to? I want to. My friends want me to.” Something holds me back though-
agoraphobia. The fear of not being able to leave the dinner if I start to feel
anxious, nervous, or encounter panic overwhelms me. “How will explain just
getting up and leaving the party as everyone sits eating the main course?
People will just think that I am being rude and ditching for a shallow reason.
I cannot tell them the real reason for my leaving because they won’t
understand, and worse, they will think I am crazy. I better just stay at home.
The party isn’t worth all of the worry and struggle.”
To someone that doesn’t struggle with anxiety, their
biggest concern for the part might just be what they are going to wear. Jealous
of their insignificant struggles, my mind continues to debate whether or not
the party is worth going to. Hypothetically, if I was to go, and God forbid
anxiety strikes and wouldn’t be able to leave, what would I do? Encountering a
panic attack is scary enough as it
is, but not being able to escape into my comfort zone at that moment is
terrifying.
After days, hours, minutes, and seconds of deliberation, I
decide to not go to the party. My excuse this time is “I already have a family
event that day.” It isn’t that I dislike the person who invited me; I actually
really care for that person. The fact of the matter is that I would rather be
in my comfort zone in my bedroom in my house than risk the chance of
encountering a panic attack. What’s truly ironic is I am a social butterfly.
The only time I truly feel as though I need to be alone is when I am having a
panic attack. Other than those times, I strive to be with the ones I love.
Recently though, I have been practically locked inside of my own house in
complete fear.
My life consists of a fear for the outside world.
Opportunities are constantly thrown my way, and I feel as though I have no
choice but to turn them down in order to avoid panic. Every time I am feeling
spontaneous and go out, I encounter my worst nightmares. Maybe this happens
because I leave with the mindset that I will have a panic attack. I am setting
myself up for disaster, I guess. I just cannot find a way to just tell myself
that everything is going to be okay and be able to believe that. My
expectations are always very negative, and usually my experiences are just as
negative as I had expected.
I cannot live like this. I have so much potential in my
life. People would kill for the opportunities that I have been given. I was
born into a very blessed and fortunate life, but unfortunately I am haunted
with an anxiety disorder. Normal people reading this are probably laughing
thinking I am the most psychotic person to grace the planet, and hey- maybe I
am, but I promise if you had to struggle with leaving your house because of
your fear for having a panic attack, you would take back your judgments.
I have been to the therapy. I have steadily
taken anti-anxiety medication for two and a half years. I am on the maxium dose
of “Zoloft.” I have tried everything. “Benzos” is where I found my most luck.
The best I have ever felt, and the most normal I have felt, is when I take
“Klonipin” or “Xanax.” Unfortunately, these medications are habit forming. In
other words, they’re highly addictive, and when you put them into the hands of someone
who is truly helpless with panic, they seem like the most magical pills in the
world. I was completely dependent on “Klonipin” for almost a year. I switched psychiatrists
and she told me that I had to get off of that medication because I was becoming
very dependent on them. I didn’t understand why I needed to get off of them
because they were the only things actually helping me. The process of getting
off of “benzos” was probably the worst experience of my entire lifetime. Not
only was it mentally/ emotionally tortourous, but it affected me physically.
All I did each and everyday was sleep. The only escape to getting off of that
drug was to sleep the pain away. If you have never experienced addiction, try
to imagine you are given a puppy. When you first receive this puppy you are
just getting used to it. As time goes on, you become more attached to this
puppy. You love how cute it is and how playful, etc. Then, right when the puppy
grows into a dog, and you are fully attached to it, the original owner comes
back and takes it. You feel confused, disorientated, and mainly heartbroken and
upset. You loved that dog and the dog made you happy. Why was it necessary to
take the dog away?
“Klonipin” was my puppy dog. It brought joy
to my life, which was something that I was lacking for entirely too long. I
felt like myself again, and I could enjoy the things I had always loved to do
before my anxiety had gotten the best of me. Yes, after a few months of taking
it, I noticed that I was dependent on it, but who cares? Why does it matter
that every morning when I woke up I knew I had to take my “Klonipin” or else it
felt like my world was ending. It wasn’t harming my body. It was actually
making me cope with my anxiety and depression and was making me happier. Then
one day, my doctor tells me that she is going to “wean” me off of it. I began
to hoard my pills, hide them, stock up on them. I truly feared for the day that
I wouldn’t be able to take my “Klonipin” at all. Weeks passed, and the dosage
on my “Klonipin” shrunk. Suddenly, it was the day that I couldn’t take any
“Klonipin.” My magic medicine was ripped from my hands and my world was falling
apart at the seams. That day was terrible. Quite frankly, the entire experience
was terrible. My anxiety was out of control, and the one thing that could tame
the panic was taken away from me.
That period of time was truly awful, just like having your gifted puppy
dog ripped away from you. Harsh would be the most accurate word to describe the
experience.
While getting off of “Klonipin,” I began CBT,
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a form of treatment that focuses on
examiniting the relationships between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Basically, CBT helps change your negative mindset on panic to a more “carefree
and accepting” outlook. My experience with CBT lasted for 18 weeks. I was
provided with many techniques to help me get through panic attacks, and I was
given charts and diagrams to fill out in correspondence to my thoughts,
feelings, and anxiety. Every
Monday morning I would see my psychotherapist and we would discuss any anxiety
that I experienced in the previous week and the techniques I used to get
through the panic. CBT overall is a helpful process, and I would suggest it.
Agoraphobia, anxiety, and panic can be
improved drastically by a change in your mental perspective. People struggling
with these disorders can get on medicines, such as anti-depressants, to help
chemically alter your brain in order to stabilize those feelings. Coming from a
family of doctors, I truly believe medicines are a key component in overcoming
anxiety and depression. On the flip side, I also believe that medicine will not
“cure” you 100%. Unfortunately, people struggling with anxiety must put in some
work as well. You can’t just sit around thinking your medicine is going to do
all of the work. CBT is a great way to get out of the “rock bottom” stage of
your life. After that, see a therapist regularly. Your struggle with anxiety is
half chemical, half mental.
All in all, I still struggle with anxiety. I
am a real life example of how finding the cure to anxiety is half chemical and
half mental. For example, even though I take 200 mg of Zoloft every single day,
I still have panic attacks. Tonight I had a panic attack while driving and it
nearly scared me half to death. In that moment, I felt helpless and hopeless.
Now, I am fine. I am here. I am alive. Instead of just dwelling on how terrible
that ten-minute panic attack was, move on. Sitting around having a pity party
is completely self destructive and you will accomplish nothing.
Is it frustrating that with everything I have
done, I still struggle with anxiety? The answer to that is, definitely. It is
so bothersome to try to go out and to some day-to-day tasks and suddenly be
burdened by a panic attack. Some days when I encounter panic, I want to sleep
the rest of the day away and bask in self-pity, but I can’t do that because
that gets me nowhere. Doing that actually pushes me a step behind because it
brings all of those negative thoughts back into my head.
If you struggle with any type of anxiety, you
are not alone. There isn’t a specific cure for anxiety, and you might have to
deal with it for your entire life. With that being said, don’t tear up and
start feeling helpless. In our day in age, we are blessed with tons of
medications and types of therapy in order to help people like us.
