Living With Agoraphobia

What is AGORAPHOBIA? According to the web, it is an anxiety disorder characterized by anxiety in situations where the sufferer perceives the environment as being difficult to escape or get help. To me, agoraphobia is much more than that. Agoraphobia is a monster that haunts you in every aspect of your life; it follows your every footstep and is ready to pop out at any moment.

To the average person, the outside world holds many dangers such as armed robberies, rape, and general evil. To those of us suffering from any form of anxiety, not only do we have to worry about all of those things just as everyone else does, but we also worry about things that don’t even cross most people’s minds.

“Will I be able to go to that birthday dinner I was invited to? I want to. My friends want me to.” Something holds me back though- agoraphobia. The fear of not being able to leave the dinner if I start to feel anxious, nervous, or encounter panic overwhelms me. “How will explain just getting up and leaving the party as everyone sits eating the main course? People will just think that I am being rude and ditching for a shallow reason. I cannot tell them the real reason for my leaving because they won’t understand, and worse, they will think I am crazy. I better just stay at home. The party isn’t worth all of the worry and struggle.”

To someone that doesn’t struggle with anxiety, their biggest concern for the part might just be what they are going to wear. Jealous of their insignificant struggles, my mind continues to debate whether or not the party is worth going to. Hypothetically, if I was to go, and God forbid anxiety strikes and wouldn’t be able to leave, what would I do? Encountering a panic attack is  scary enough as it is, but not being able to escape into my comfort zone at that moment is terrifying.

After days, hours, minutes, and seconds of deliberation, I decide to not go to the party. My excuse this time is “I already have a family event that day.” It isn’t that I dislike the person who invited me; I actually really care for that person. The fact of the matter is that I would rather be in my comfort zone in my bedroom in my house than risk the chance of encountering a panic attack. What’s truly ironic is I am a social butterfly. The only time I truly feel as though I need to be alone is when I am having a panic attack. Other than those times, I strive to be with the ones I love. Recently though, I have been practically locked inside of my own house in complete fear.

My life consists of a fear for the outside world. Opportunities are constantly thrown my way, and I feel as though I have no choice but to turn them down in order to avoid panic. Every time I am feeling spontaneous and go out, I encounter my worst nightmares. Maybe this happens because I leave with the mindset that I will have a panic attack. I am setting myself up for disaster, I guess. I just cannot find a way to just tell myself that everything is going to be okay and be able to believe that. My expectations are always very negative, and usually my experiences are just as negative as I had expected.

I cannot live like this. I have so much potential in my life. People would kill for the opportunities that I have been given. I was born into a very blessed and fortunate life, but unfortunately I am haunted with an anxiety disorder. Normal people reading this are probably laughing thinking I am the most psychotic person to grace the planet, and hey- maybe I am, but I promise if you had to struggle with leaving your house because of your fear for having a panic attack, you would take back your judgments.

I have been to the therapy. I have steadily taken anti-anxiety medication for two and a half years. I am on the maxium dose of “Zoloft.” I have tried everything. “Benzos” is where I found my most luck. The best I have ever felt, and the most normal I have felt, is when I take “Klonipin” or “Xanax.” Unfortunately, these medications are habit forming. In other words, they’re highly addictive, and when you put them into the hands of someone who is truly helpless with panic, they seem like the most magical pills in the world. I was completely dependent on “Klonipin” for almost a year. I switched psychiatrists and she told me that I had to get off of that medication because I was becoming very dependent on them. I didn’t understand why I needed to get off of them because they were the only things actually helping me. The process of getting off of “benzos” was probably the worst experience of my entire lifetime. Not only was it mentally/ emotionally tortourous, but it affected me physically. All I did each and everyday was sleep. The only escape to getting off of that drug was to sleep the pain away. If you have never experienced addiction, try to imagine you are given a puppy. When you first receive this puppy you are just getting used to it. As time goes on, you become more attached to this puppy. You love how cute it is and how playful, etc. Then, right when the puppy grows into a dog, and you are fully attached to it, the original owner comes back and takes it. You feel confused, disorientated, and mainly heartbroken and upset. You loved that dog and the dog made you happy. Why was it necessary to take the dog away?

“Klonipin” was my puppy dog. It brought joy to my life, which was something that I was lacking for entirely too long. I felt like myself again, and I could enjoy the things I had always loved to do before my anxiety had gotten the best of me. Yes, after a few months of taking it, I noticed that I was dependent on it, but who cares? Why does it matter that every morning when I woke up I knew I had to take my “Klonipin” or else it felt like my world was ending. It wasn’t harming my body. It was actually making me cope with my anxiety and depression and was making me happier. Then one day, my doctor tells me that she is going to “wean” me off of it. I began to hoard my pills, hide them, stock up on them. I truly feared for the day that I wouldn’t be able to take my “Klonipin” at all. Weeks passed, and the dosage on my “Klonipin” shrunk. Suddenly, it was the day that I couldn’t take any “Klonipin.” My magic medicine was ripped from my hands and my world was falling apart at the seams. That day was terrible. Quite frankly, the entire experience was terrible. My anxiety was out of control, and the one thing that could tame the panic was taken away from me.  That period of time was truly awful, just like having your gifted puppy dog ripped away from you. Harsh would be the most accurate word to describe the experience.

While getting off of “Klonipin,” I began CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is a form of treatment that focuses on examiniting the relationships between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Basically, CBT helps change your negative mindset on panic to a more “carefree and accepting” outlook. My experience with CBT lasted for 18 weeks. I was provided with many techniques to help me get through panic attacks, and I was given charts and diagrams to fill out in correspondence to my thoughts, feelings, and anxiety.   Every Monday morning I would see my psychotherapist and we would discuss any anxiety that I experienced in the previous week and the techniques I used to get through the panic. CBT overall is a helpful process, and I would suggest it.

Agoraphobia, anxiety, and panic can be improved drastically by a change in your mental perspective. People struggling with these disorders can get on medicines, such as anti-depressants, to help chemically alter your brain in order to stabilize those feelings. Coming from a family of doctors, I truly believe medicines are a key component in overcoming anxiety and depression. On the flip side, I also believe that medicine will not “cure” you 100%. Unfortunately, people struggling with anxiety must put in some work as well. You can’t just sit around thinking your medicine is going to do all of the work. CBT is a great way to get out of the “rock bottom” stage of your life. After that, see a therapist regularly. Your struggle with anxiety is half chemical, half mental.

All in all, I still struggle with anxiety. I am a real life example of how finding the cure to anxiety is half chemical and half mental. For example, even though I take 200 mg of Zoloft every single day, I still have panic attacks. Tonight I had a panic attack while driving and it nearly scared me half to death. In that moment, I felt helpless and hopeless. Now, I am fine. I am here. I am alive. Instead of just dwelling on how terrible that ten-minute panic attack was, move on. Sitting around having a pity party is completely self destructive and you will accomplish nothing.

Is it frustrating that with everything I have done, I still struggle with anxiety? The answer to that is, definitely. It is so bothersome to try to go out and to some day-to-day tasks and suddenly be burdened by a panic attack. Some days when I encounter panic, I want to sleep the rest of the day away and bask in self-pity, but I can’t do that because that gets me nowhere. Doing that actually pushes me a step behind because it brings all of those negative thoughts back into my head.

If you struggle with any type of anxiety, you are not alone. There isn’t a specific cure for anxiety, and you might have to deal with it for your entire life. With that being said, don’t tear up and start feeling helpless. In our day in age, we are blessed with tons of medications and types of therapy in order to help people like us.